Because of my admittedly less than perfect time management skills, this will most likely be my last post of 2018. In an effort to wrap up this remarkable year, I’d like to leave things on a positive note.
In my last post, I aired out my frustrations about the constant body-shaming that was on the lips of seemingly each and every person I encountered. The irony of being presented with free food from some of the best restaurants in the Twin Cities at work parties, only to engage in stupid conversations about calorie counting and how “bad” we were being for even flirting with the notion of going near the dessert stations was driving me crazy. I mean that literally, it made me want to find a therapist ASAP and spend every waking moment with them until I felt I had the tools necessary to navigate this trigger minefield that was my holiday season work life.
I wrote all that down, I got it all off my chest, and felt much better as is often the case. That’s the whole reason why I write this self-indulgent journal in the first place! As I clicked the “publish” button, I exhaled deeply, I felt the weight of my anxiety diminish, and a glimmering strand fo a silver lining revealed itself to me as it began weaving its way through my consciousness. Could it be that my negativity is actually a really great thing? Is it possible that the bad place I was in was a symptom of positive growth? The body-shaming isn’t new, the fat-phobia isn’t new, but my reaction to them was. Before I started this blog, these conversations would not have stood out to me in the slightest bit. As a matter of fact, I probably would have partaken in them, even started them myself. “I know, I was so bad this Thanksgiving, I totally blew my diet!” “How many calories do you think are in these egg rolls?” “It’s okay, I’ll just skip lunch tomorrow.” These would have flowed naturally out of me. Now, it makes me sick just thinking about saying something like that to colleagues, or anyone for that matter.
It is really great that these moments are standing out as negative, instead of blending in to the normal, everyday landscape. I feel as though the veil has been lifted, and though I may not love my body as it is yet, it does give me hope that I can get there.
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year! I cannot wait to find out what new veils will be lifted in 2019.