Taking Two Steps Forward and One Step Back in Really Cute Shoes.
Now that I'm writing, I've been noticing a lot more. Not judging myself or trying to "fix" anything necessarily, just noticing. My oh my, is there a lot to take note of. The following is a list of some events over the last couple of weeks, and my accompanying observations. Pointy Chin field notes, if you will.
Mall Walking on my Lunch Break
- Step forward: I ate first and walked after I was finished eating, instead of using the whole break for walking. Because ya know, lunch is important, yada yada yada, food is not the enemy, we know this.
- Step forward: I got a lot of good cardio and my fitbit was very pleased with me. I am a slave to my fitbit and getting those fireworks is all I live for.
- Step back: I passed the Lulu Lemon window and was jealous of a gang of mannequins because of their abs. They didn't have heads mind you, but they had sick abs, and I wanted them.
- Step forward: I realized how funny/ridiculous it was to be jealous of headless, plastic, lifeless fixtures and immediately laughed at myself instead of pulling at my stomach fat, wishing it were gone.
My Boss Took the Department Out To Lunch
- Step forward: My first reaction was "Hell yes, free lunch!!" instead of "Oh no, how am I going to get out of this, I ate too much yesterday so I can't eat today" or some other bullshit Pointy Chin thought that would have been the norm a few years ago.
- Step back: I saw a thinner person than I am eating a salad. I ordered a sandwich, and I felt like a pig.
- Step forward: I focused on how much I enjoyed that sandwich (it was really good, you guys. Turkey bacon avocado?? Forget about it), and reminded myself that the stranger across the dining room from me had no bearing on my self-worth.
MIA Summer Party
- Step forward: I was offered a free ticket to the MIA Summer party and I said yes, even though I was feeling very fat that day.
- Step forward: I felt great in the dress I wore.
- Step back: I felt great in the dress not because of how I felt in it, but because the tag said "0".
- Step back: I didn't eat anything there, I felt too fat.
- Step back: My friend took a boomerang of us and posted it to her Instagram story, and I depressed for a solid 15 minutes afterwards because of how big I looked in it.
- Step forward: I did not ask her to delete it because it really doesn't matter in the least little bit, and deep down I knew that.
One Big Step Forward
- Step forward, picnic with Zack. This was nothing but forward steps. We ate delicious food and had lovely conversation, I thought only of how good the brie was and how perfect the weather was and how happy I was to have the day off the next day and how much I love my husband. If it had been a scene in a movie, I would have rolled my eyes and gagged because it was waaaaaay too cute. Sickeningly sweet.
One Big Step Back
- Step backward, a very poisonous thought. As I was deciding what my next post should be, I thought, "I need to lose weight. No one is going to believe that I was ever anorexic if I weigh 118 pounds." This is where I would like to state for the billionth time that I am not a doctor, I am not an expert, I have no training on any of this whatsoever. I am writing this for my own mental clarity, and to hopefully cultivate a body-positive community. I still have thoughts this bad. BUT, and here's where I have to give myself a bit more credit, I now know for a fact that this thought is not true. It doesn't make it hurt any less, it doesn't make the thought any less real or valid in my own head while I'm thinking it, but it is not me. It is false. Happily, these thoughts are now few and far between. I notice them, I write about them, and I'll grow from them.
In case you're wondering, photographed above that I've been doing all this stepping in are from J-Crew and I am never taking them off.