I Wanted to Lose Weight and I Didn't and it was Fine Part I; The Photo Shoot
My very first blog post ever was about wearing a swimsuit for the first time in many years, and how good it felt to enjoy a pool party despite my massive discomfort in my own skin. My most recent blog post was about the notion of grieving my fantasy body in an attempt to truly love my body as it is now. I just posted on Instagram about a crop top that I love but hadn't worn because I wanted to have visible abbs first, and how good if felt to let that go and wear it with my soft tummy exposed. There is a theme here; putting something off until I have my "dream" body, then doing it anyway and living through it, even dare I say enjoying it, with the body I have today. It's starting to sink in that life is too short to put off living until I look a certain way, and that I'm missing it by avoiding the possible discomfort and anxiety. And so, I'm staring the "I Wanted to Lose Weight and I Didn't and it was Fine" series.
I Wanted to Lose Weight and I Didn't and it was Fine: Part 1
The Minneapolis Bloggers Union's July meeting was last month (obviously). It was all about styling and posing for fashion photos. Attendees were given a brief tutorial with tips and tricks, and sent us to the four photographers they had secured for the event. We practiced our new posing prowess, and we were sent the final photos after the fact. Naturally, I was pumped. You know what else I was? Totally horrified. As I've mentioned before, I live my life constantly wanting my photo taken, and simultaneously hating all photos of me. It's super chill.
Registration for the meeting was about a month beforehand, so I thought to myself, "Oh, by the time this rolls around I'll be slim and firm and ready to reach my peak model greatness." I imaged a version of me who was five pounds lighter with glowing skin and firm arms, who didn't have a care in the world because she looked so damn good, smiling and laughing her heart out and getting just the best fucking candid shots you've ever seen! One month later, I looked exactly as I had the day I registered, which you know, totally sucked. Fantasy perfect girl had not shown up for the shoot, it was just me on the bus, on my way to pretend that I was comfortable in front of a camera with a some fellow bloggers who just so happened to look exactly like my fantasy girl had created in my own head. Cooooool cool cool cool.
So. We got the photos back, and I hated them. I hated them all. That's not a shot at any of the photographers, they did an amazing job. I think at the heart of it, even though I was disappointed in myself for the way that I looked on the day, I was hoping that my fantasy perfect girl maybe, just maaaaayyybe, would show herself in the photos after all. But wouldn't you know it, it was just me. Again. And just like every other time, I hated the photos. I was depressed, I felt like shit, and I tried to accept the fact that maybe I just don't like the way I look, and I should avoid cameras because they just cause pain.
AND THEN I remembered that I'm trying to be a body positive-blogger and this was the whole point of the damn thing, so about a week later I took a second look. Fantasy girl wasn't there, still just me, but I did like the me version a lot more than I had the first. I used the shot of myself in the gold dress in my last post (I thought I looked pregnant in that shot the first time, the second time I looked more glamorous). The photo for this post (taken by the lovely Natasha Furduy) is from the same shoot. You know what? I DO like this picture. I like my attitude in it. I feel that I look like a vintage Mia Farrow, and that makes me feel really good. I'm glad I went to the shoot, I learned a lot, and I'm happy with the result. I wonder what happened in that week that changed my perspective so much. Was it simply that I needed time for my ED brain to wear itself out before I could see more clearly? Could it be that I had taken an sincere step forward in the journey towards self-love?
I wanted to lose weight for the July Minneapolis Bloggers meeting, and I didn't, and it was fine.