I Wanted to Lose Weight and I Didn't and it was Fine Part II; Taylor Swift
Last week, I was offered free floor tickets to the Taylor Swift concert. The show was that night, so I had to act quickly. My first instinct was to pass on them, because to be honest I don't really care about Taylor Swift, and more importantly to me at the time, I didn't know what I was going to wear. I plan my event outfits, I'm not joking, weeks in advance. What I wear and how I look in my clothes is very important to me, admitedly too important to me, but my fashion sense is something I'm known for and I'm proud of that. Clothing has played a huge roll in my eating disorder recovery. Even if I don't feel beautiful, I cover myself in beautiful things, and even if I don't feel worthy of love or acceptance, my clothes are worthy of it. Yeah, that's a strange and upside down statement, but it really has been a rung in the ladder from my rock bottom, so god damnit I'll take it.
Anyway, back to T Swift. These were free floor tickets to a show that was guaranteed to be fun to watch for the production value at the very least. It was also an obvious opportunity to adorn one of my funkier, more unique outfits, win win! As I sat at my desk, ignoring my emails and mentally going through my-mind closet, I came across a top that I had purchased three years earlier and had never worn. It was $5 at a thrift shop, and when I bough it I thought "this is going to look great on me when I'm thinner." Not "if" I were thinner, "when" I am thinner. But wouldn't you know it, I haven't lost any weight in three years. It may just be that this is the size that I'm supposed to be (and that may just be okay). This top is completely open on the sides, and I really wanted to have my visible ribs back by the time I wore it. I thought it was a necessary component to take the look from slutty woo-girl to high-class fashionista. Visible ribs were the key.
But ooooohhhhh riiiiiiiiight wishing that I could see all of my bones through my skin like I used to is the opposite of living a healthy, happy, recovered life, how quickly I forget. I had to make a choice, wear the top or give it away, because those ribs aren't coming back. I chose to keep it, because I'm materialistic and giving away a piece of clothing before ever wearing it myself is a failure, the caliber of which I cannot accept.
I wore the top with some high-waisted striped gauchos. I felt unconformable and self-conscious at first, and then I realized that the concert wasn't actually about me, and that the people there cared more about Taylor than they did about my outfit. I know, sounds crazy, but somehow I did not end up being their number one priority. I looked great because I felt great, and I had fun. No one cared about my ribs.
I wanted to lose weight before wearing this top and I didn't ant it was fine.