Progress can be a hard thing to measure, especially when it comes to Body Positivity. Unfortunately for us, we don’t just get to say “I’m Body Positive now,” and miraculously love every aspect of our physical selves. It takes practice, a lot of practice. Unlearning the notion that thinner is better, that you’ll be happier when you weigh less, that everything will be perfect if you could just shed those pesky ten pounds is incredibly difficult. The process can seem slow, frustratingly slow. “Okay, I'm telling myself that I don’t want to lose weight, that I’m beautiful and worthy as I am, why do I still struggled when I look in the mirror?” It’s a tough thing to work on when the only thing anyone wants to talk about (at least for women anyway) is their weight, or self-deprecating comments about their physical appearance, or how excited they are about their new diet that is definitely for sure 100 percent going to fix their life this time. This one is the going to work.
I was going through my old blog posts, and re-read a review that I wrote after attending my very fist fashion week, Spring of 2018. Man oh man, I was in an entirely different place. I was having such a hard time feeling good about my body, even though I was doing my best at telling myself that I was beautiful. Being around thin models was crushing me. I wanted so badly to look like them instead of me, and that desire was making me feel like a body positive failure. I am so thankful to my past self for writing all of that down, as painful as it was, because it highlighted for present me all of the progress that I have made. Fast forward to a year and a half later, I’m not letting thin bodies on the runway get me down, I’m strutting the runway myself! I’ve got nothing against those very thin bodies, as long as they aren’t starving themselves to look like that, then more power to them. It sounds so incredibly cheesy but the “You don’t have to be pretty like her, be pretty like you,” quote comes to mind. I loved walking in the Time After Time show put on by Rose and Bull this past Fashion Week, and I’m so glad that I didn’t look like anyone else on that runway, how boring would that be? There were models who were bigger, smaller, taller, shorter (actually I may have been the shortest but you get the idea).
The biggest change is that I’m no longer weighing myself. What I was struggling with in that post over a year ago was the fact that I weighted more after fashion week than I did before it started, I was up by 1.27 pounds (yep, that’s it), and that was incredibly difficult for me. Not physically mind you, my clothing fit the same and I had no ailments due to my whopping 1.27 pound increase, but as soon as I weighed myself and I knew that I had gained, it tanked my self esteem. It seems so obvious now to be like, girl, DO NOT WEIGH YOURSELF! It’s absolutely unnecessary, that number does nothing for you, knowing it is not empowering, ditch your damn scale! At time it was my crutch, I needed to know, I wasn’t ready to let that go. It’s so easy for me to see now how toxic my relationship with that scale was, and that my friends is progress!
Now, if I woke up tomorrow and were magically thinner with toned abs and an nice sharp jawline, I’d love that. That’s an unfortunate reality right now, but I’m working on it. My goal is not have my mood and self worth predicated upon physical attributes. I am so much more than my looks, and who knows where I’ll be a year and a half from now. I hope I read this in 2021 and think “Om my God I can’t believe I used to care so much about what my body looked like!” I for one have no idea where I’ll be, but I’m damn excited to see how far I go.