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Hi.

My name is Madelyne Riley, welcome to my blog. Anorexic turned foodie, I'm here to champion eating disorder recovery and body positivity.  I'm having my cake, eating it too, then going back for seconds.  

Resolution II

Resolution II

I blinked, and somehow it’s already March. This year, I’ve been attempting monthly resolutions instead of one big New Years Resolution. January’s “no buying presents for myself” was a doozy but ultimately a success. February’s goal was “no spending money on food at Mall of America.” No, this wasn’t a boycott, I work there and have a very bad habit of “forgetting” to bring my lunch with me in the morning (I used quotes there because I’d be lying to myself it I didn’t sometimes do it intentionally. It’s hard to make your sad little pb&j when you know Piada is an option).

Let me just say this outright, when it comes to monthly resolutions, February was a resounding failure. Firstly, I did honestly forget my lunch a few times, and that’s something that resolutions can’t really fix. I didn’t do it on purpose, I just forgot. Under no circumstances did I want skipping lunch to become an option (for reasons that should be fairly obvious), so I bought lunch. To add to the excuse pile, can we just talk about the polar vortex for a second?? How in the world was I supposed to go grocery shopping when the wind chill was -70?! After the vortex came the most snow we’ve ever had in Minnesota in February, so remind me again, how I was supposed to get myself to Cub? And yes, it there were days when it was easier to get around, but by that time I had already failed on the resolution so I kinda…. you know….. just kept on failing. I’m an all or nothing kind of gal, so once I caved, I caved hard.

The problem with this resolution was that it necessitated planning. Last month, not buying myself any new clothes didn’t mean that I risked going naked some days. I own more clothes than any one human ever should. Lunch on the other hand is something that I needed to eat, so if I forgot it or didn’t have any lunch to pack to begin with, I was pretty much out of luck. I could have chosen to skip it, but that would have meant that in the context of this little resolutions experiment, skipping lunch was a good decision, a responsible decision, and I couldn’t have that. I’ve made too many strides to be back at the place where I pat myself on the back for skipping meals. We ain’t going back there, folks! So I ended up buying lunch. A lot. The image above for example was a Yellow Submarine roll from Masu Sushi, because if I have to buy lunch, it might as well be the best! Sorry wallet!

This month clearly exemplified the problem with the whole concept of resolutions in general. On paper as far as my resolutions are concerned, February was not my month. Here’s the thing though, February was totally my month. As a matter of fact, February 2019 may just go down in the books as one of my best months ever! I had to opportunity to work on the “I AM____” event (you’re sick of hearing about that by now I’m sure, but if you don’t know what I’m talking about, read my last post). Strey Designs asked me to model for them (what?!??!?!), I raised $150 for the Polar Plunge, I saw friends, I saw a super weird play that had me thinking about love, war, and the human condition for a couple of weeks, I saw my friend’s beautifully powerful gallery exhibit, I went to two restaurants that I’ve never been to before, I hit 1000 followers on Instagram, a wore some really fun outfits, I went to a vintage market, I spent much needed quality time with my husband, I cleaned my room, I played with my cat, I listened to my favorite podcasts, I bought tickets to an upcoming Tenacious D show, I had a really fucking fantastic month! To say that February was a failure because I bought myself lunch when I said that I wouldn’t is a bleak thought! I felt great, I had fun, things are going well, and overall I’d say I’m quite happy.

There was one aspect of the February goals that I did manage to accomplish, and that was only purchasing one cup of black coffee from Starbucks per day. I didn’t get any of the fancy stuff, I stuck to what I am chemically addicted to, no frills. I’ll count that as a win.

Here’s the thing though, there’s a reason I chose this resolution to begin with. I SPEND TOO MUCH and I need to play little games with myself to keep my budget in check. My misstep here was that it was food related, and anything that could lead to me limiting my food intake is a bad idea. I was also very grateful for the reminder that resolutions do not define your year; they are goals but they by no means dictate whether or not you are succeeding. You are enough as you are at this very moment. You are worthy. You are loved.

It’s already March 5th and I’m still not sure what the goal should be this month. Any ideas? I’d love your suggestions! If I fail, I fail, and that’s just fine with me.

Corner Table

Corner Table

I AM_______

I AM_______